Review of "Boy Talk" by Mary Polce-Lynch
Posted by Max Dunn Wed, 19 Apr 2006 18:24:00 GMT
What if you were told:
- In order for girls to be complete humans, they need to be as good at sports as boys.
- The main reason girls don’t play sports is that “Girl Rules” looks down on girls that play sports.
- In order for girls to be good at sports, women just need to encourage them and play sports too.
You would probably disagree with most of these points. Yet May Polce-Lynch makes similar claims in her book Boy Talk regarding boys and their emotions. Her main points are:
- In order for boys to be complete humans, they need to be as good at expressing their emotions as girls.
- The main reason that boys don’t express their emotions is that boy’s “Pack Rules” looks down on boy that express their emotions.
- In order for boys to be good at expressing their emotions, men just need to encourage them and express their emotions too.
However, being a man, I just don’t buy this. Just like girl’s bodies are not as strong as boy’s bodies, boy’s capacity to understand and express emotions is not as good due to the wiring of their brains. I think most men understand this intuitively, but for scientific proof, see The Minds of Boys by Michael Gurian.
Secondly, while “Pack Rules” are certainly present and a factor, it more likely boy’s limited emotionally expression that creates these rules, rather than the “Pack Rules” creating boy’s limited emotional expression.
Lastly, while it is great for men to help boys express their emotions, most men are not very good at this either, so it is like the blind leading the blind.
Ironically, the case studies that Polce-Lynch uses in this book only serve to refute her own assumptions since even though all the boys made progress, none of them ever got close to her ideal emotional expressiveness.
Now if we can get by these flawed assumptions, Polce-Lynch does make some valid points like:
- Boys have a hard time expressing their emotions so they often come out “sideways” as in anger, depression or in other harmful ways.
- In order to prevent this, boys need to understand their emotions and be able to express them in better ways.
- We can help boys by talking with them about their emotions and in showing ours in healthy ways.
However, since boy’s brains don’t have the same capability as girl’s brains in dealing with emotions, it is not going to be enough to talk about emotions and model them. It will take much harder and longer work, and we shouldn’t expect them to ever reach the same expressiveness as girls. And since men are going to have much more influence on boys regarding this than women, it is going to be like the blind leading the blind since most men don’t understand their emotions well either.
This is why I think Boy Talk is a worthwhile read but falls short of its potential. As the father of a stoic 10-year old, I agreed with her that it is helpful for boys to learn to understand and express emotions better. But I wanted more advice on how to do this. I would love to see a follow-up book, written from a man’s point of view, which gives more realistic and practical advice for helping boys to understand and deal with their emotions, while respecting that boys are inherently different from girls.
Max, I am hoping that you have reconsidered your position on ‘Boy Talk’. I have read this book and found the information provided was quite accurate and very real-world. I am the father of two sons and this book quite simply hit the nail on the head.
On Feb 24, 2009, at 9:01 PM, Mary Polce wrote:
Hi Max,
I Googled my name recently and found your posting about Boy Talk, a book I published several years ago about the importance of supporting boys’ emotional development.
As I contemplate a second edition, I wanted to thank you for your thoughtful critique. It will be especially helpful as I craft tone and word choice. When a psychologist writes for the general population, it is so important to write with tentativeness, since research results and recommendations cannot be generalized to all. Even though I intended to write in that voice, your summary of my main points reminds me how words are not always received as intended.
You are correct that I believe boys benefit when they are able to identify, feel, and express their emotions. But as your criticism suggests, expressing emotions is not the only thing that will complete them. Boys’ (and men’s) health and life solutions are much more complex. The suggestions offered in the book provide some tools and will help some families…and sometimes that’s all an author can hope for. I wish it had been more helpful to you. I have done some follow-up articles (brief and pithy) that may provide more of what you were looking for. Let me know if you want to see them.
I agree that we need more writings by men on this topic. I had included a final chapter in the book called “Boys to Men,” written by my partner, John Lynch. Unfortunately it was cut by the publisher. But John, also a psychologist, has published on men’s issues, so if you search Google or Amazon, you might find his work of interest.
I wanted to be sure to mention that research on sex differences between men’s and women’s brains is still equivocal. And even when differences exist, it is difficult to prove whether the cause was nature or nurture. By the way, I began my gender position with the assumption that differences were directly caused by biology, and only shifted my position after further study. Since earlier sex difference findings were based on animal research, functional MRIs with humans may help flush this out in the future
If you have time, I’m interested in your views on a second book that I published two years ago: Nothing Left Unsaid: Creating a Healing Legacy with Final Words and Letters. Though if you hate it no need to post on the web!
You have a very interesting website, by the way.
Sincerely,
Mary Polce-Lynch
On Feb 24, 2009, at 10:10 PM, Max Dunn wrote:
Hi Mary,
When I was about 9, I asked my mom: “Why doesn’t dad ever cry?” She replied: “Because men don’t cry.” So for the first 40 years of my life, I tried to be a man and very rarely cried.
However, I have been thinking lately about my mom’s comment those many years ago. And I bet what my mom really meant was that men don’t cry because they are ashamed and feel that it is not manly, but they would be better off if they could. I am trying to be braver about crying now, and doing it a lot more often. Several weeks ago, I even let my son see me cry.
It has been awhile since I wrote that posting about Boy Talk. At the time I wrote it, my son was really struggling in school and I felt that a big part of the reason was that his teachers were not very sensitive to the different learning style of boys.
My son is now 13, and is not much better at showing his emotions. But he still sleeps with his stuffed animals every night and gets very upset if anyone mistreats them. I have been careful to never belittle this in any way, because I know the nurturing that he is now showing these stuffed animals will naturally turn into love and affection for his own children someday.
Several years ago I retired, and then my wife went back to work. I turned into the stay-at-home dad, and she turned into the breadwinner. In addition, she developed a close friendship with her boss and I became intensely jealous. I have spent a lot of energy these past few years dealing with my emotions over that, and trying to figure out why my wife doesn’t get my feelings. My friends have been joking that I have become the “girl” in my marriage, and they are right. But I am okay with that since I am glad that I am growing as a person and becoming more in touch with my emotions.
So I don’t feel as strongly anymore that boys (and men) don’t inherently have as much capacity as girls (and women) to understand and express emotions, and maybe “pack rules” are a bigger factor in these apparent gender differences than I thought.
I just started a Sustainable MBA program at the Presidio School of Management, and won’t have much free time until summer. But I would like to see the follow-up articles and final chapter of the book. I am also going to go back over Boy Talk and will read your second book. Maybe with the new insights into my own emotions, I will see these in a different light.
Thanks for emailing me. I have been thinking about these things lately and it was nice to organize my thoughts and send them to someone who could understand them.
Best, Max
Here is a great example of how boys and girls just think differently. When my son was about 10, we were outside throwing the ball back and forth. My 7 year old daughter came out and asked if she could play. We reluctantly agreed and threw the ball to her. When she got she held onto it and said, ‘Okay, now let’s pretend that this ball is a baby and we have to pass it around and not let it drop and ….” and continued going on and on. My son and I then both said “Just throw it!”. Having a son and daughter illustrates to us daily the inherent differences between boys and girls.
Blog about marriage and family counseling with100’s of articles written by a Sig Yanosway.
Though I haven’t read this book yet, I sure will get to it. I am a woman who actually has the opposite problem than what most people would consider the ‘norm’. I have a husband who is very emotional, however I tend to have difficulty (though getting better) with expressing some emotions.
I truly believe in the nurturing aspect of emotional expression over that of biology or ‘wiring’ as you put it. I come from a home where crying was looked at as a weakness and I saw my mother as the ‘weaker’ partner in the marriage. I have since matured and see thing differently but old habits are hard to break.
Logic dictates that, to be able to express your emotions openly and even in fear of ridicule is extremely brave. Early conditioning takes time and effort to reverse.
I am of the mind that in some partnerships one partner may be a ‘dominant’ personality in the home and that partner will have a stronger effect on the children reared in that home. So in these cases, I believe, that personality has a stronger responsibility to show proper emotional expression. Of course this is if the individual or both partners are aware of a dominant personality.
As far as the ‘Pack Rules’ go, I have seen Pack thinking in both males and females and even ‘co-ed’ groups. I don’t believe gender is a factor. I have seen children, especially in a group of three or more, behave a certain way that they would never do alone. (I am around over 100 children every day.)
These are just some of my observations and I like to believe I will continue to learn and grow. I am definitely going to read this book and thanks for sharing your point-of-view on it.